The best ways to cope with a toxic family

Falling out with your family can bring heartbreaking consequences – our experts explain how to minimise the damage

“When my parents’ marriage broke up I was really worried about my dad,” says Katie Lewis*. “My mum seemed to thrive in her new life but dad struggled with loneliness and loss of confidence, so when he met my step-mum it made me really happy.“To begin with it seemed OK,” adds Lewis, 47. “While I never thought I would be best of friends with her, because we don’t have a great deal in common, my main priority was my dad’s happiness.
“But, gradually I noticed she’d make passive-aggressive comments and when we were due to get together as a family I would feel my stomach tighten and I’d be on edge all day. On the way home I’d replay whole conversations and say to my husband, ‘do you think she was calling me out?’ I became hyper-sensitive. Looking back I really don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, we have tried to welcome her, and I’ve come to see that she is a bully.”
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It is estimated that one in five families have a rift that means hurt and blame take the place of hugs and happy memories. 
Counsellor Georgina Sturmer says: “We use the word toxic a lot. It isn’t a defined term but I think it is to do with how your family makes you feel. Things are toxic when you think about your family and it makes you feel drained, overwhelmed, anxious, insecure, manipulated or controlled, like someone is pulling your strings. 
“It’s corrosive and poisonous long-term and can affect your self-esteem. It could be that you are given the silent treatment or feel like you are permanently walking on eggshells. It isn’t necessarily big explosions and arguments because not all conflict is bad. Some families have big arguments and then everyone apologises.”
Prof Hannah Sherbersky, a family therapist, says she is witnessing many more estranged and toxic families.“There has always been a fantasy of the ideal family life, like the Waltons,” she explains. “Today, we see the ‘perfect’ families on social media. We romanticise it, which can be unhelpful in amplifying how people think they should be living. A toxic family isn’t necessarily physically abusive but it’s when people can’t communicate and there are hidden undercurrents when they talk.“Nowadays people feel they have a choice about their family. Thirty years ago, people would have felt obligated to family members. Today, people look at whether certain relationships are good or bad for them.“For the generation who grew up during the war there was a feeling of not making a fuss, keeping everyone safe together against a backdrop of trauma and fear, when families were literally torn apart. Today’s 20- and 30-year-olds are more likely to challenge what families should be, or challenge different opinions within the family in a way that previous generations may have silently got on with.”We looked at three different scenarios, including Katie’s issues with her stepmother, and asked the experts for advice. Interestingly, we discovered that while people wanted to share their story because it was having a big impact on their lives – all were adamant about remaining anonymous for fear of causing further upset or preventing a potential reconciliation. 
“There are lots of microaggressions in my stepmother’s behaviour when she says hurtful things with a smile on her face,” continues Katie. “I have learnt not to react because I don’t want to upset my dad. She is a real trouble-maker stirring things up in the family and always likes to be the centre of attention. I don’t know if she is jealous of me and my siblings being part of his life but it is very toxic and uncomfortable to spend any period of time with her. I think she would prefer it if we were not around.
“She has no kids and because of her our family has become really fragmented and we now only tend to see them at big family functions. I don’t even know if she makes my dad happy anymore although I think he is infatuated by her. He doesn’t seem to notice if she upsets me and I think I would lose him if I opened the floodgates on how I feel, so I just have to grin and bear it to keep my dad in my life.”
With around one in two marriages ending in divorce and a rise in those over 50 splitting, a growing number of adult children are facing the challenge of getting on with a “new mum” or “new dad” when they are adults themselves.
In theory it would be easy to think that having extra maturity and a life of their own no longer dependent on their parents would make it easier.
But according to Lola Borg, a psychotherapist, that is far from the case.She says: “There are a lot of silver-splitters, couples who divorce when they are older. But it is never easy on their children, whatever their age. Some parents wait until their kids are finally at university thinking it is a good idea but it can still be really hard.
“When parents split up, sometimes more of the emotional load is taken by the eldest child and it can feel almost like a boardroom shuffle when someone new comes into the family and all the relationships are re-evaluated. Katie has two choices – try to accept her stepmother or risk alienating her dad. I suggest she tries to spend time with her father alone, rather than just at events with the stepmother.”
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Different beliefs can be a major cause of conflict. An estimated one in 20 families were left feuding after Brexit, for example. In the case of Sarah Murphy*, her family were torn apart after her sister came out as gay.“Both my mum’s and dad’s sides of the family got on really well. When my sister came out as gay another family member told an uncle and aunt and said that my aunt reacted as if we’d suffered a terrible tragedy, wondering how my mum would cope with the news.“Shortly after we noticed my aunt unfriended my sister on Facebook – so I emailed and asked her why. She denied she’d ever been friends with her on Facebook and said she didn’t know what I was talking about. I asked her if it was anything to do with them being told she was gay. She phoned my mum and was extremely upset and angry saying how dare I accuse her of unfriending my sister and accusing her of being homophobic. My mum phoned me and said, ‘what on earth have you said?’
“My mum wrote to my uncle, saying could we put it behind us but he didn’t reply. We’ve never heard another word back. There’s been no contact. They were a really important part of our family but I had to say something because I felt she had done a wrong to my sister. I didn’t do it nastily and I don’t regret asking her why she’d unfriended her but I am sad that it blew up the way it did. I didn’t realise that one comment would lead to all this.”
Georgina Sturmer explains: “When we get into conflict about different political or religious beliefs you have to think about what’s non-negotiable for you. You may decide you can sit around a dinner table listening to family members’ views you don’t agree with … or you may not. “We tend to look for acceptance or to gain approval and you may never get that from a particular person and different families deal with it in different ways. Family rifts have a lot of guilt and regret. Will you regret the fall-out when they’re not around anymore, or will you be pleased you spoke up?”
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Legal disputes over inheritance are on the rise. Olivia Brown’s* family was destroyed after her grandfather left everything to one daughter – shocking his wife and four other children. The will was successfully challenged in court costing considerable legal fees but the family was never reconciled with three of the siblings refusing to ever speak to the one who had originally been the sole benefactor.”Nobody ever knew why my grandad wrote the will as he did but it caused a lot of problems,” says Brown. “My mother moved away and was the only one who remained on good terms with everyone else in the family. Two of her siblings died but by the time she lay dying in hospital her two remaining sisters refused to visit at the same time because they didn’t want to be by her bedside together. “It was really difficult. It meant she didn’t get as many visitors because it all had to be arranged so they wouldn’t see each other. In the end only one came to my mother’s memorial service. And the other went to her funeral.”The repercussions continued down the generations after complications with Olivia’s mother’s will, of which one of her aunts was executor. “We now have no contact with my aunt or my cousin.” 
Julie Doncaster, a partner specialising in wills and inheritance at Harper Macleod solicitors, says:
“We see a lot of people who feel they’re entitled to an inheritance and are incensed when this doesn’t pan out. This could be because of care fees, inheritance tax, unknown lifetime debts or that they have been specifically excluded by the deceased under their will. 
“There can be sibling rivalry if one of the children gets more. The truth is some parents do have favourites. Some children have dedicated their lives to running the family business or been a carer so an unequal distribution may seem justified.
“Anger can be misdirected, the person who wrote the will (or who neglected to write one) has gone, so it is aimed at the people who are still here. Grief mixed with unresolved family issues can result in vitriolic and often irreconcilable family arguments, often occurring at the funeral. 
“Some testators use their will as a manipulative tool, tormenting family members with threats of disinheritance or promising the same item to multiple people.
“It‘s vital to make a will and keep it updated, one in four people don’t. In Olivia’s case where everyone is separately represented, often the only people who will come out well will be the lawyers and most of them would much rather a conflict-free resolution.
“Mediation or counselling could be a way to get the family to a point where they can try to resolve matters. But, she and her sister need to try to heal themselves first before trying to bring the family back together.”
*Names have been changed to protect identities.